Warning: this is not a feel good post about the holidays.
I didn’t realize it until just now, but today was hard. I hate that it’s hard, because I want to be beyond this, to be more “healthy” than this…I want all of the emotional and spiritual progress I’ve made over the last couple of years to make these days obsolete, but that’s just not the case.
Today my son and I decorated for Christmas, and in so doing, I pulled out my box of ornaments that I hadn’t touched in a few years. There, inside the box, was the ambush. Physical ties to a previous life. I got married at Christmastime, did I ever mention that before? My ex and I would say that all the Christmas lights everywhere were also in celebration for our wedding…it was a nice thought. Anyway, getting married at Christmastime meant that we got quite a few ornaments that said “Our First Christmas”…and when I opened the box, there they all were. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with them…save them for my son? I didn’t think he’d really care – I’m saving other things from his dad and I, and these ornaments won’t really mean much to him. Give them back to my ex? I figured he probably doesn’t want the reminder either…so, I just put them awkwardly into my trash can.
To celebrate our first anniversary we had a combination birthday/anniversary party (did I mention that my birthday is coming up? Also kind of depressing…), and we asked our guests to bring homemade Christmas ornaments as their gifts. The cheesier the better. I loved that party, and all of the crazy ornaments we got…and those were in the box too.
And then there were the ornaments from my ex mother-in-law, who sung my praises while we were together…and who now, regrettably…but understandably, wants nothing to do with me.
It hurts. All of it.
So I’m sitting here, looking at the happy family pictures plastered all over Facebook, with my trash can filled with “Our First Christmas” ornaments, and I can’t help but tear up. I am trying so hard not to be envious of those parents that get to share their child’s delight with their spouse – it feels like the other parent is the only person who truly gets how wonderful this little human is. At this point any timeline I might have had for my life feels decimated, and although I am extremely grateful for what I have, it sucks that there are only two Christmas stockings to hang up. I guess this is just part of it, part of the mourning, part of the inevitable…and while most days I am just fine, there are definitely days when it still stings.
Loss during the holidays completely sucks. That’s not very eloquent, but I think it’s probably the most accurate descriptor in our vernacular. Not that there is ever a good time for loss, but there’s such a harsh contrast this time of year with all of the jolliness, real or perceived.
I hope you have a lot more joy than not this season and a crazy amazing birthday.
Agreed, it does suck. I’m trying to make new memories and enjoy every moment with Anderson – he’s really at a great age for celebrating Christmas! Thanks girl :)
Awe, I am so sorry. This post brought a tear to my eye. It sucks to be surprised with painful reminders at what used to be a happy time.I can relate to feeling frustrated with my progress or perceived lack thereof. I finally feel like I’m in a healthy, or at least a healthier, place with the loss of my dad. However, there are times when it does unexpectedly sting more than I thought it would at this point. I don’t think it means that you haven’t made any progress or that what you have done to heal has been in vain. I think it’s just part of the process and it’s OK. Be patient with yourself, friend. :)
This time of year has got to be rough for you too – I’m glad to hear though that you’re feeling like you’re at a healthy place, that is a really great feeling, and a big accomplishment! Writing this post was really therapeutic actually, and I felt so much better after getting it down on paper. Thanks for your support Laura!
You’re so welcome! Thanks – it’s nice to be at a better place, isn’t it? I’m glad writing this post was therapeutic for you!
Sorry it took me a while to get here. If you read my post, Have Yourself a Melancholy Christmas, you know that Christmas always brings a mixture of sadness and happiness for me, in spite of how lucky I am. For the most part, the Norman Rockwell Christmas is a myth. Saba said it perfectly … loss at Christmas sucks. I wonder if those poor parents in Newtown will ever enjoy a Christmas again. Belated Merry Christmas, Allison. Someday you will look back and what you’ve learned will outweigh what you’ve lost.